Stability For Our Time

Sorry for no update yesterday; I've been a bit busy. You see, I've started a new career:

Nurse's aid.

Taking Luke off of the TBI protocol has turned out to be a mixed blessing. It has let them go full bore in treating his sick lungs, but it also means that he's not as high a priority so he no longer rates a full time exclusive nurse. I understand completely the hospitals policy and why they do things this way, but I think Luke is still sick enough to need full time care, and I'm not the only one. Several other hospital employees have expressed the same feeling, simply because Luke is very fragile right now. What in many patients would be a routine hiccup could cause him tremendous trouble.

So his family and I are stepping in to fill the breach. We're going to be in his room with him close to 24/7, except for shift change when we aren't allowed. In ten minutes, I'll have to leave his side and wait through 2 and a half long hours until we can come back in and resume our duties.

Last night, after a full day, I sat with Luke from just after midnight through till almost 6am. I supported his head, figured out how to fix his bed, applied cool towels to his forehead, and most importantly, acted as the eyes and ears of the nurse who couldn't be here. It was important to me that he felt my hands, his father's hands, on him, helping him and making him feel better.

It worked out very well for Luke; he had a very peaceful night. I, on the other hand, discovered that my days of pulling all-nighters are far behind me. I was very relieved when visiting hours were over, and went to the lounge and slept for 4 hours. I checked in on Luke, and when Isaac came in, took advantage of the time and grabbed a 90 minute nap. Lindsey has sat with him, and so has Sandy, and Lissa will be in this evening, and we're just going to make sure that one of us is here as much as possible. It's not all that different from what we've been doing during the day; we're just stepping things up a bit.

Luke has had a couple of mild setbacks, but nothing I would call a crisis since the last big episode a couple of days ago. He hasn't rebounded as quickly as I would like, and has instead showed a slow creeping regression. Nothing major, just slight reductions in his saturation numbers.

Right before I came in to Luke's room last night, one of the pastors from my church came in and talked to me. He's been reading these stories, and he told me how much they meant to him, and what a powerful testimony they were. And then he said something that really echoed within me. We were talking about my night of prayer, when I became convinced that Luke was going to be alright, and he said that now that I had given Luke to God, He would take care of him. This was similar to something my friend Chris had said earlier, and what struck me was that I wasn't sure that they were right. Not about the fact that God would take care of Luke, but about whether I had in fact given Luke up to God.

I know that when I prayed I said the words, "Your will, not mine," but did I mean them? Was I really willing to place my son in God's hands for Him to do as He saw fit, up to and including letting him die?

Umm, no. Taking care of my kids has always been job one in my life. Protecting them from harm is a point of honor with me, and I've been very proud of what I've done with them. Let me give you a tip; anytime the word "proud" crosses your lips, you are heading into a dangerous place. I've had my nose rubbed into the fact that no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, a slick patch of pavement and a tree can place my kids beyond my reach in an instant.

For the past two weeks, I've projected an air of competence, optimism, and ability. The truth, however, is that when if comes to Luke and his injuries, I am none of these things. Last night, I was forced to come to terms with my powerlessness. I can't make Luke's injuries better. I can't fix his lungs. I can't purge his body of the infection.

I can't protect him.

For a father like me, that's a terrible admission to have to make.

Fortunately, Luke has another Father, one who can heal his injuries and who can protect him. To accept His gifts, all you have to do is give Him everything. That's always sounded easy until last night when what I generally considered a figure of speech became reality. I had to put Luke into the hands of God, and accept His will, even if it meant that my son must die. I was being asked to make the choice of Abram, and offer my son to God, not as a sacrifice, but as a gift. He gave me Luke; now I was supposed to give him back, and trust God to do what I couldn't.

When I put it that way, my hesitation sounds silly; of course I can trust God to do what is good. But He saw fit to allow His own Son to die a painful and humiliating death in order to save us; He could certainly do the same with my son. Selfishness and fear kept me from doing what I had to do. I wound up spending the last two weeks tending to Luke, my precious son, and contending with God for dominion over him. I was forced to watch him slip away from me inch by inch until I could no longer resist the truth. My dominion would only bring Luke death; only God's dominion could bring him life. With a broken heart, I lifted up Luke to God, and told Him that Luke was His to do with as He willed. I begged for healing, for a miracle, but I finally said and meant the words, "Thy will be done."

There was no miraculous healing, and no breath of fresh air to tell me Luke would be OK. That's not what this was all about. This was about me learning the true nature of surrender and how our selfishness can doom us and those we love, even as God holds out His hand to bless us. My heart was broken by my failure to protect my son, and my inability to freely give him up to God, even though I knew it was the only way to save him.

This has been a very difficult post to write, and I'm sure it shows. There is no tidy happy ending for one thing. Luke is still very sick. He didn't leap from the bed, miraculously healed in a flourish of trumpets and an angel chorus. I wasn't uplifted with an infusion of heavenly grace. All that happened was that Luke passed a peaceful night last night, a peaceful day today, and right now, at four in the morning, his lungs are showing the tiniest hint that they just might, maybe, possibly, could be, beginning to heal. And that's good enough for me.

God has Luke in His hands now, and what He holds, He never lets go.

God bless you Rich, God is doing a work in you and I know He will honor your testimony and His will will be done in Luke's life and in yours. He will use this testimony greatly in the future!

Thinking of you, Rich. - Katie

Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. Your insights have been truly uplifting. Please know that you all are not alone. As you have discovered it is easy to say that you hand it all over to God, but as a parent putting that into practice is infinitely harder to do. My prayers are with you. Susan

Continuing to pray for Luke's recovery and for your family during this difficult time.

As I was reading, I was greatly touched by this post. I too was in a very similar situation with my daughter,in 2007. She was in Childrens Hosp ICU & then inpatient @Pat Neal Rehab Center with TBI(both temporal lobes & all of brain stem)as a result of Seizures & 12hour fever of up to108.
I was told by the PICU DR he couldnt do any more for her to stop the seizures & irregular heartbeats or even figure out what was causing it at the time. Then the DR said "she will die unless a higher power than me intervenes & stops these seizures" I immediately started praying, begging, pleading, bargaining etc, just as you did. I guess that is just a parents first response. It is so hard to let someone else be in control of them, even God! But eventually I did, I had dedicated her to God as a baby, so she was His to take home to Heaven or heal as He saw fit anyways.
continued

continued from previous post: You have said it all, so much better than I could. I feel I could almost replace "his with her & father with mother" & this could be my own thoughts & experiences! I just wanted you to know you arent alone in those feelings! She wasnt healed in a bright stroke of light either, but within a few hours, the DR started to get things better under control with her problems! The Neuro told us she would probably always be unresponsive if not always on a ventilator.
She is about 75-80% recovered, her memory, balance, &some;cognition was affected. I know the Lord has things for her to do here on earth, although I admit, I have had moments I have started to doubt, I keep in mind that He kept her here because He wants her here for a reason & He is in Control! We are just grateful & thankful for every step she has made in her miraculous recovery.
I will continue to keep you, your son & your family in my prayers! God Bless! Look for all the hidden lessons & blessings!

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